Seeking Solace

I don’t want to start off by telling you the same old clichés: that we are all going to die. That we are all going to meet the same fate. That there is no escaping that.

But I did start off by saying that, didn’t I?

Yes, we know we are all going to die some day in many different ways. Some endings are more peaceful than others. Some passings are easier to accept than others.

But no one tells you how to deal with the pain of parting.

Not many people know how to console someone who is grieving  in a way that won’t make them feel guilty or bad.

I’m not saying I am an expert at making people feel alright with their grief. But I know what I have wanted all the times that I lost loved ones so close and dear to me.

I don’t want to continue putting on a brave face after the wake is over. Losing a loved one hurts. Give me my space but please, don’t hesitate to silently hold me. Hug me and tell me it will be alright. Even if I know that the tunnel of grief looks awfully dark and bleak. Don’t be frustrated with me. Don’t walk on eggshells. Give up your night out and stay home with me, without making it seem like a favour. Spend time with me but be relaxed about it. Feed me.

If you see me crying, don’t try to stop me. Don’t quash my emotions.

Let me talk when I want. Let me be quiet when I want. A nice shoulder massage would help. An ice-pack for my eyes.

When I’m grieving, I don’t feel sexy. I want to cuddle but I am not interested in making love. I am feeling raw. I am feeling intense sadness. I need your shoulder. I need the strength of your hand coupling mine.

After the death of a loved one, family members discuss what could have been done and what should have been done. While it’s a good time to clear the air, it is definitely not a good time to lay blame on others. It hurts to hear a surviving loved one blamed for another’s death when there is no direct correlation. We always like to have matters neat and tidy and explainable. The reason for death needs to be logical. If it is not, then we seek a reason and very often we lay it on some poor  relative who is probably grieving the most for their loss.

What I am trying to say is the best way to help a person grieving is to be there, to be supportive without being overbearing or intrusive. Give the person space, but always be ready for physical reassurance should it be needed. Physical reassurance should be completely loving and generous without an expectation of anything in return especially sex. If that happens willingly, then fine. Making love can also ease the overwhelming burden of sorrow. A person grieving needs your time, your patience, and your intuitive understanding. It’s like holding their hand crossing a narrow shaky bridge. Be calm. Be nurturing. Heal with your hands and your voice.

And pray for peace of mind.

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