I recently read an article on a kind of marriage called “Misyaar” and an interesting trend that has developed much to the concern of some people.
Traditionally, the “misyaar” marriage occurs between a man an a divorced woman, a widow or an older unmarried woman. In a “misyaar” marriage, the woman does not move out of her home but receives her husband in her house from time to time when he is in town. It is also helpful in cases when a man cannot afford to keep a woman in a house of her own but seeks to be married. It is a unique arrangement for special situations in which marriage is a necessity but the situation restricts a normal union.
In the article, Rawa’a Saleh describes a new trend in which young girls are resorting to “misyaar” marriages as a means to improve their lot and to escape restrictions of the family home.
The journalist posed two questions: Why do young adolescent girls pursue a “misyaar” marriage? And why do their parents agree to such a marriage when it is normally the kind of arrangement a divorcee or a widow would agree to?
These are the girls interviewed by Rawa’a Saleh of Al-Riyadh daily newspaper:
Hanan L : 17 years old. A misyaar marriage appeals to her because she wants a husband to be both a father figure and a spouse and it does not matter if she lives with him or not; the important thing is to live with some form of freedom, to enjoy her life as she likes without restrictions or suspicion.
Hanadai H : 18 years old. I want a man that is mature and accomplished. I don’t want a man that is just starting out in life from point zero – I am tired of the zeroes on my life. Through such a marriage, I can gain a man who has everything.
Muna H : 17 years old. I predict that within five years, the misyaar will be the prevalent form of marriage. I am a strong proponent of this kind of marriage. I just want to enjoy a modern lifestyle and not be restricted by any responsibilities.
Salma A : Men are not reliable nor trustworthy. I don’t want to dedicate my life to a man who may deceive me. I just want to be married so that I won’t be called a spinster. I agree to this kind of marriage to fulfill a social factor and to satisfy my sexual needs.
Hajer K: 18 years old. Expressed surprise at the views made by the girls above stating that the way girls are raised in our society, they need a man around for everything and not just for a day or a few hours and spend the rest of the time on her own.
Manal B : 18 years old. I need a rich husband to help me realize all my dreams of being a rich married woman. I decided to accept a misyaar marriage with the following stipulations: that my partner provides me with a luxury villa, two maids, a cook, a brand new luxury car. I have been to several matchmakers but so far I have had no luck of finding a man with my specifications. I don’t expect him to visit me regularly. He can come whenever he likes. He can be as old or as young as can be. The important thing is for him to be a millionaire.
The newspaper interviewed a matchmaker called Um Thamer. She revealed that she had a number of Saudi women who did want a “misyaar” marriage but with certain specifications like: a dowry of 100,000 Saudi Riyals; a villa and a new car; paid accommodation; a monthly allowance; and most of these women ask to marry a millionaire. She further revealed that most applicants were young and could provide a preacher to marry them on paper without a need for formal registration in case the millionaire wanted to keep his marriage a secret.
Um Thamer said that the young girls are usually advised against this type of marriage as most of them end up in failure and do not last more than a few days or weeks at most. She further expressed suprise at the parents for allowing their girls to marry by misyaar.
Giggles said:
Sounds somewhat like muta’a… curious what others think about these. I hear of these marriages alot amongst Kuwaiti… I would love to hear from Kuwaitya perspective…
I dont know how many millionaires would do this..Does sound interesting though.
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Giggles
The report in the post is from a Saudi newspaper. However, I have seen some discussions in the past in Kuwaiti papers about the different kinds of special marriages.
Lets keep in mind that misyaar marriage is a legally binding marriage and not a temporary marriage like muta’a. It has certain specifications in that the woman willingly revokes her rights to inheritance and allowance from her husband and is satisfied with him visiting her now and then to keep her company and for sexual fulfillment. Normally she is an older woman or one that has been married before who seeks male companionship but for personal reasons does not want to or cannot leave her own home.
The article shows a different trend developing that is a skewed version of this special arrangement.
It is still a marriage of convenience but one based on avarice and possible abuse.
Jewaira
Ansam said:
for some reason I find it hard to accept these kinda marriages! Misyar, Misyaf, and god knows what!
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I heard the misyaf marriage is popular with college students.
Jewaira
Amu said:
mmm its hard for me to accept such marriages. I am not against them but its just not me…
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It is for those people who seek legal sexual relations and for certain reasons find such a marriage necessary.
Jewaira
Sushi said:
As much as this concept of marriage is appealing to some women, it isn’t really reasonable or practical.
All the girls interviewed here are young and stupid.
Once he loses his money (which is a possibility in life) all she’s left with is a man she doesn’t love and a sticky situation. Those are the consequences for building your marriage on superficiality.
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Once I heard a story about a divorced woman who had grown children. She had had such a bad first marriage and did not want a repeat of that experience. In addition, although she still desired male companionship, she did not want to jeopardize her relationship with her children whom she believed were against her marrying again.
She eventually got married in the misyaar way but instead of meeting in her family house, they would meet in a special apartment only for them. The man she married also had his own family and grown children.
Through this special arrangement, this couple was legally married. There were witnesses. There were no binds (no problems with inheritance etc… that a first wife might object to). The woman was happy for the first time in her life and their secret liaisons at their shared flat added to the excitement of the relationship.
She was happy that her own children did not know (because of cultural reasons she did not want any complications although it is not uncommon for divorced women or widows to remarry in the normal way)
This story was told by a religious woman and the people involved are conservative in real life.
In my opinion, if the couple is older and aware of their own needs, and it is legal there is no harm. But problems arise if children are born out of this relationship (which is possible).
I also believe a misyaar marriage suits a mature woman who is financially and socially secure who needs a companion on an occasional basis.
Jewaira
Marzouq said:
There is one revolving factor for these women.. its that they are looking for financial gain without being stuck to the man and they think that the man is dumb enough to live by those rules. Its really sad seeing that our society has reached this low.
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As I mentioned Marzouq, I have no idea what the extent of the situation is in Kuwait. The article is from AlRiyadh newspaper.
And yes, the way the situation is described, it is a very obvious deviation from the stipulations of a misyaar marriage and it is based on avarice and a skewed outlook on the essence of marriage
Jewaira
MiYaFuSHi said:
The words ‘Glorified Mistress’ comes to mind.
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It certainly seems that way to me the way it is described in the article.
Jewaira
Giggles said:
I think its sad, but yes, “Mistress” does sound about right for the younger gals.
I can kind of understand/see it for an older woman, but these young ones are just money hungry with sexual appetites to be fulfilled. Sad…
I wonder… must be nice to be a “kept woman.”
Perhaps in my next life, I might have to try it. LOL
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I would always rather be financially independent than to depend on someone else looking after me… it is a matter of pride I think.
I know you are being light-hearted about the kept woman bit
however, I can’t help but envision the glaring looks of the elder women in my family as they warned us never, ever to accept any gift from a man (that wasn’t a husband, father, brother or son 
)
Jewaira
Fons Moonen said:
Are you familiar by the L.A.T. construction ? Living Apart Together ? In some way they sound real wise, Hanan Muna Salma Hajer and Manal, more alarming I think is the infectious greed spoke out by them.
If I see what greed can do with woman here in Holland…
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Living Apart Together can be very good for some couples – who are mature enough to deal with that concept. It all depends on the way you perceive and understand a relationship and do what is good for you (and children if there are any)
But those young girls in the article sound deprived and without scruples
Jewaira
amethystos said:
No, thanks. I’d rather have a man I love around all the time than this kind of arrangement.
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That is certainly the ideal situation to be in.
Jewaira
Ms. Baker said:
I am blessed to be surrounded by strong and dignified Kuwaiti women in my family and my life. Self-sufficient and self-reliant women for whom personal dignity and self-respect must always come first above all, the only exception made when it concerns their children and their occasional follies. I have learned much from these women in my life. They are financially successful in their own right, and almost all are in stable, long term marriages of many, many years. They are women who would rather live alone in a shoddy hovel, in tattered rags and as nuns or vestal virgins than to ever put themselves in a position to believe they needed a man in the degrading manner the girls in the article mentioned. Girls who have played into the game and set the price for the guy who gets the dubious privilege of keeping them and sleeping with them legally. But they are young, quite desperate, and ignorant, as many girls who are products of the superficial, greedy and devious environment we live in now, are. It’s all about upbringing and how your parents have raised you, what your moral fiber is made of.
When you live in a society where women are essentially powerless, whose value and contribution is negated or trivialized, who are treated as breeders and sex objects, whose lives are dictated by the caprices of the patriarchy, this is what marriage becomes. It becomes a means to an end for them. And this is how desperate women become when they judge their own value in this society by whether they have a man – ANY man in ANY way by WHATEVER MEANS. They are desperate enough to believe that this is their only way out. Young girls are picking these messages up ever more quickly these days. A young Kuwaiti girl of 19 is far more clever and manipulative, and knows far more about surviving in this society as a woman than I did at that age (Thank God I wasn’t here when I was and wasn’t exposed to this nonsense).
I don’t think I could ever allow such a marriage for myself, no matter how many times I had been divorced or widowed or how complicated my life was. Of course, one can never say never and life has a way of teaching soapbox fools like me who spout off idealistically every now and then about their utopian ideals and their leonine pride and dignity, but it would take so very much for me to consider marrying in this way for any reason. Marriages should be made head held high, in the proper public way, calmly, with transparency and open declaration. I am sure this might work for some of the cases you mentioned Jewaira – older widowed people with complicated lives who want to be together legally and morally as husband and wife. But for me – no. It’s not a question of my needs for love or sex, it’s a question of my dignity and the ability to honor and respect myself (things which have become paramount to me as I grow older).
*steps of of her soapbox*
( I think I have been reading too much Camille Paglia and Germaine Greer recently.. LOL :/ )
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Dear MsBaker
It is always a pleasure to have your feedback. You are as always, reassuring and comforting in your values and viewpoint.
Have you, I wonder, had a chance to see the marriage channels on satellite TV? The number of divorced women and those seeking misyaar marriages is jaw dropping.
Something is definitely changing in the way people are looking at marriage now in the region and it would be material for a very interesting study.
Jewaira
Fons Moonen said:
For me these young girls sound like they have to respond or satisfy a social status. That is what they do and stay themself in the first place.
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I think you may have a good point there Fons.
I think the girls that seek this kind of relationship have seen the negative side of marriage in their lives (from those around them or their parents etc..)
Perhaps, like one of them said, they feel that their husband will eventually cheat on them anyway regardless of how much he says he may love her.
Perhaps also since most marriages are arranged, why not settle for the kind of marriage where you may benefit the most from the relationship?
It definitely says something about their social status and their desire for a better lifestyle (materialistically speaking).
Many marriages throughout history have been ones of convenience and subject to social, political and financial values.
Jewaira
Track me said:
What about younger men with older women who can provide for them?
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That also happens with increasing frequency.
Jewaira
شوشو said:
I am interested to know what the misyaf marriage is; that’s a new one!
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مجتمعنا ينبذ فكرة البويفرند والقيرلفرند، ما افهم كيف يكون زواج المسيار مختلف
الفرق الوحيد ان الاثنين يسجلون روحهم قانونيا كزوجين على ورق، اما حيانهم يكملونها مثل ما اهي
زواج مصلحة برايي، الا من رحم ربي
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Misyaf marriage is a temporary union between a man and a woman for the duration of the summer holidays. Sometimes a man wants a female companion for a summer trip and I have heard that this marriage is popular amongst college age people in Kuwait but that is simply hearsay and something I read in a newspaper report on Misyaf marriage a couple of years ago.
Yes, it is like a boyfriend/girlfriend situation but under the umbrella of legality
(however loosely that is defined)
It is all based on convenience.
Jewaira
harmonie22 said:
Misyaar, mut’aa, ‘Irfie…
…it seems like we’ve mapped out a marital framework that legalizes everything, from one-night stands to marrying for money.
I guess at this point I would sound brutally naive if I said ‘whatever happened to good old-fashioned love?’
Aside from the angle you pose of how younger girls today are keen on misyaar for jaded practical reasons, i find them strange, these legal loopholes we have given ourselves. What makes these conditions any different from sleeping with someone for money or for a moment of pleasure is only the religio-cultural tag of acceptance we give it- or that we give ourselves. No matter how we sanctify it or label it.
I say this but then I step back into culture and regain a better understanding of why such off-shoots to marriage would have sprung up, in an Islamic/Arabic culture in the first place.
But I still scratch my head on why they are even there, but then again do I really need to scratch my head? We have to cloak everything with the sanctity of marriage and yet a prevalent perception of marriage is un-sanctimonious.
If anything, all these pseudo-marriages give many married men cart-blanch to cheat on their wife, and younger girls an idea that it’s ok to help themselves to someone else’s man.
Remember that if we are going to play by rules & regulations the first wife needs to give her permission to any forthcoming marriage, right? Or does that just apply to real marriages.
I guess what I’m really trying to pinpoint is sexual morality and core values.
Are all these marital complications (or deceptions) truly better than simple transparency?
For example, wouldn’t it be better if I outright took an unmarried lover than stealing another woman’s husband or contracting my body to the highest bidder? That seems a lot more honest to me.
Interesting & informative post- thanks for letting me think out loud
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Harmonie22
Thank you for sharing your viewpoint and your thoughts on this subject.
One thing I have noticed over the years is the way people keep values and religion as a back up – a safeguard – but they certainly work their way around rules and regulations to obtain what they want, justifying their actions by their interpretations of the philosophy or doctrine they follow.
It is ironical sometimes that the simplest actions or uncomplicated solutions are vilified while on another level, the same is being done but sanctified by religion.
You speak ideally and perhaps we should aspire to ideals but in real life, things happen that defy logic, that break the boundaries of the ideal, and people in the end become resourceful, dealing with issues in a realistic manner.
As I see it, young women in this report who choose this type of marriage and state a price to safeguard themselves, are only adapting to improve their lot.
In a society where men and women are segregated, what are the chances that you will find the love of your life even in an arranged marriage?
Even if a love story should lead to a marriage, what use would love be if he could not provide for her or if she were to remain in the same “rut” she wants out of in the first place? Would she be able to guarantee that love years down the line?
In a society where women socialize with other women more often than not at many functions – extravagant weddings, fancy receptions, and such gatherings – a woman needs what can allow her to stand out: she needs a union that will allow her prestige, that will assist her in living the kind of life she needs to remain in that circle.
I am not advocating a materialistic existence. I am merely stating that this is the way it is: there is pressure in our society to maintain a certain lifestyle, to own certain things, and to act in a certain way. Perhaps when a woman chooses the kind of marriage she wants, she is making a conscious decision about her life and actually planning it – however wrong in our perception – rather than being at the mercy of others in her immediate family.
Jewaira
harmonie22 said:
PS I know I veered a bit off-topic but the subject just opens a can of worms!
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Please feel free to share your thoughts on whatever tangent of this subject. It is wonderful to share ideas.
Jewaira
Purgatory said:
This is article
link
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Interesting link indeed.
Do you think we should also have a ban on indecent dressing in Kuwait?
Jewaira
Ms. Baker said:
What are you doing, Purg…
Purgatory said:
Posting an interesting link
daggero said:
one got to try this drive-by-marriage before knocking it
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I would really like to hear from anyone who has been involved in such a temporary or special marriage.
It would help to hear the other side of the story as well.
Jewaira
Misfit said:
Fast food culture … resulting in an impatient generation wanting everything a ‘click’ away from their fingertips, even with sex. Typing under pressure is vertiginous.
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Especially when she says hurry up, faster, faster! lol
Jewaira
intlxpatr said:
I can see one good reason for a never-married to try this marriage – having children.
It seems to me (and the longer I am here the more I know I do not know!) that there are demographics working against Kuwaiti women. One is the large number of young Kuwaiti men who die or damage themselves seriously on the roads, or disable themselves with drugs and alcohol.
The second is the citizenship issue – that Kuwaiti men can have wives of any nationality and their children are Kuwaiti, but a woman can only have Kuwaiti children with a Kuwaiti man.
If the woman has her own financial resources, but conventional marriage opportunities have passed her by, could she utilize this kind of marriage to bear legal Kuwaiti children, and the man has no responsibility beyond sperm donation?
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You know IntlXpatr that is a very interesting viewpoint to this marriage which did not cross my mind.
It is a very tricky subject with children really for social reasons (being raised almost wholly by a single parent) and one would have to be reasonably well off to afford raising her children as there is no guarantee the father will be around.
Other questions like: what if the mother decides to marry again? what risks does that pose for the child of the other man? Would the new husband accept such a child?
It might work but with very careful thought.
Jewaira
Fons Moonen said:
Girls wonna have Fun. Entitled they are !
By the way… Misfit sound a little like Random.
Niece? Nephew ?
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You think so?
We are a bit random aren’t we in the Boudoir lol
You are a staunch supporter of women, Fons
but it is a complicated subject.
Jewaira
Fons Moonen said:
To change the deep feeling sadness everything go by into the high joy of being,…
Woman is the answer my dear.
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Often, women are the answer and the solution
Jewaira
muneebsaeed said:
interesting views from the girls
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Good to see you here again Muneeb.
Jewaira
jewaira said:
During the Eid ulfitr holiday in Saudi Arabia a comedy for three days by women and for women only dealing with the misyaar marriage:
منى شداد: مسيار كووم تناقش قضية حقيقية يعاني منها المجتمع
http://www.alriyadh.com/2008/10/04/article378388.html
مسرحية مسيار كووم تلقى إقبالاً واسعاً وترحيباً كبيراً من الحاضرات
http://www.alriyadh.com/2008/10/04/article378312.html