Jewaira’s Boudoir

What do men want from women in long term relationships?

Wait, don’t go just yet.

As I was skimming the newspaper this morning, I came across Dala’a Al-Mufti’s article expressing her exasperation  with a male friend who was looking for a wife but not any wife: One that is like the women in Bab Al-Hara (A popular Syrian soap series depicting traditional small town life where the women are, according to the writer, obedient, subservient appendages).

What, the writer asks her male friend, are the characteristics of the Bab Al-Hara women that makes you men so infatuated with the idea of having one as a wife?

Her friend replies: Blind obedience, respect, care, and generally placing a man on a pedestal.

The writer goes on to further denounce the roles of the women in this Syrian series (and many other copycat versions) that depict women as innocent, helpless, obedient, subservient weaklings.

While I do not condone being chained to the kitchen sink, or the completely subservient role, I think the man on the marriage quest (Dala’a’s friend) was misunderstood or he did not express himself properly.

If anything, his frustration (and the writer’s) reflects a growing trend in marital relationships locally where there is a lack of tolerance between married couples and a misunderstanding of the basics of a successful union.

Remember how your mom would coddle you, kiss your feet, and promise you the moon as a child? Every person has a little child inside of them that needs to be tended to. We all need our egos groomed regularly by our loved ones and why not? A man needs his ego pumped up by his wife. He needs to know he is the best. He needs to know that he is attractive to his wife. He needs to know that she appreciates him.

I can feel your suprise. A wife does those things all the time, you say. No, not really. Some women are so insecure, they feel that complimenting their husbands more than necessary will turn them into pompous asses. They feel the extra boost of confidence might make him more attractive to other women.

Not only is verbal expression of love and respect important, but also the way in which we perform these acts.  Bringing your husband a glass of water should not be beneath you. Even if it is right in front of him. Serving him is not demeaning, but making him feel special. And when he feels good, so do you.

Something simple and basic like cooking can make a lot of difference in the bonding of husband and wife. When we cook for each other, we are adding love to the family circle. We are what we eat. And there is a difference when what we eat is blessed and made out of love and not by the hands of domestic help. It may not be possible all the time for us to cook, but certainly an effort to do so whenever possible will do a lot of good.

In the rush of present day living in Kuwait, we become more and more distant from ourselves. We become out of tune to what the rhythm of life should be.  Being attentive to your partner on all levels is important. This means not being constantly distracted by phone calls and other modern gadgets. Being passionate about each other does not mean having sex day and night. It means paying attention to small details and big ones. It means both being in control and letting go. It means that a commitment is for life regardless of pitfalls along the way. And there are many that married couples fall into.

What the man in Dala’a’s story wants is a woman passionate about her home and married life. Not a slave to wait on him hand and foot but a partner who creates a loving environment that both want to come back to.